Note: Entry originally posted on my old blog years ago. This is one of my favorite entries so I decided to re-post it here, and because I think I'm back on this feeling again of being distant to Him. This entry is my personal eye opener with my personal relationship to God.
The clock on my phone says it’s 1:13am. Everything is silent except for a small sound made by the dogs barking outside. I hugged my pillow tight ‘till I realized that tears kept falling down my face. And thoughts came in. Just as how messy and unhappy my life now is? Looking down on the deeper side, just as how dark is it the thoroughfare am I traveling on? Just as how unsure am I of the way I’m choosing? Just as until when will I say that I’m not affected? That I’m not in pain? That I’m tough and that I’ll get by? Just as how long can I pretend that things are doing so well? Just as how long will I be wearing the mask of a happy face? I took my furrowed blanket and wrapped my frail body from a different kind of coldness. I folded my body as much as I could. Then found myself sobbing… and the tears just can’t stop falling. They were like heavy rain pouring on a lonely and monotonous day. I became deaf with the silence. I felt alone and weak that I could hardly help my self get off my bed. Then I felt a gentle caress of a smooth hand on my face, wiping the tears away from my eyes, then a warm embrace from the arms of Someone who seems to be so loving and forgiving. I opened my eyes and was surprised seeing the image sitting next to me. A Person who owns the most peaceful face. He helped me get up from my bed, smiled at me as if reminding me that He has not forgotten me.
Then questions and regrets filled my mind. “How unfair have I been with Him?” “How unfaithful have I been with my duties and responsibilities?” “How on earth have I been rejecting and neglecting the things I must have done long before?” “What came into my mind that I let those stupid things happen?” And how far have I been with Him? So far…too far that I almost forgot I’m His daughter. I was too preoccupied and blinded by the earthly things that He LEND me. I was too busy with the “deceiving reality” that surrounds me. I was consumed by my ambitions and temporary pleasures.
I’m sorry… were all the words I could utter. I kept on repeating them in between my lousy cries. And there He was silent, patiently listening to my sobs. Tapping my back and assuring me that He’ll always be my Bestfriend. Comforting me and making me understand that I am not alone, and that He has long forgiven me before I grasp that I have sinned.
The feeling I could not fathom, and almost could not accept as true, then I woke up, and saw the sun shining down on my face. I breathe the fresh air and savor a new day.
This could be the start of a new life. Of relearning from my mistakes, of accepting and changing my imperfections, of holding on instead of letting go, of staying real rather that hiding behind those pretending masks, Of loving and trusting Him more rather than being blinded by these “deceiving reality”.
//30thjan07//
